Category: My Blog

Recently I was verbally confronted by a woman in her mid fifties. She was angry at my audacity for saying that this could be a the best time of her life. She said that there was no way she could imagine how this could ever be the best time of her life. She felt weighted down by all the demands on her life. She had a very demanding job, a son in college, one in high school, was a single mom, dealing with aging parents, and had no time for herself. She was clearly expressing the dilemma faced by so many people in their second half of life.

This is the time of life when the demands and responsibilities of life are in conflict with the strong longing to have more control over ones life. It is the latter that puts us in charge of our lives and leads to feeling vibrant on the inside. We have to accept that this conflict is real and yet make the decision to take renewed charge of our lives or we stop growing. Usually when we experience such a conflict we resolve the tension by staying in the familiar comfort zone. We are creatures of habit and by the time we are in our fifties and beyond we have many long standing habits.

The key to taking our lives forward is to use this conflict to propel us forward. The woman who was so overwhelmed with her life demands could not imagine that anything could change for her. She had to trust that by taking some small action steps she would gain renewed control over her life and in time she would start feeling vibrant. She began to set limits as to when she accepted calls from her mother who was in the habit of calling her many times during the day. Success with this small step led to adding more action steps. Much to her amazement as she felt more in control of her life she began to believe that indeed she could make this the best time of her life.

An inability to resolve conflict is an underlying issue in many relationships. Couples seem to have difficulty thinking in terms of how can we both be OK. I refer to this behavior as continuing to act solely as singles and not relationally when it concerned both of them. One woman recently in an advice column expressed her frustration with her live-in fiance’s nasty and irritable behavior in the morning because he had not yet had his cup of coffee. You would think that he would make sure to have that cup of coffee right away. Instead, he insisted on stopping for coffee on his way to work a good 45 minutes later.

What struck me so about this couple was that she presented her unhappiness with his behavior like she had no right to expect him to make changes. His explanation for his morning unpleasantness was that this is just how he was in the mornings. He acted like he had no control over himself. There seemed to be no understanding from him as to how unpleasant it was for her to have him act like that day after day. I was also struck by the fact that she felt guilty about wanting him to make changes.

I see many couples struggling with working out conflict. What they have trouble putting into practice is that a healthy relationship means learning to think in terms of WE – how can we both be OK? What this man did not take into consideration was how unpleasant it was for her to be around him in the mornings.

When conflictual situations arise the question to ask is: what do we need to do so that both of us can be OK. It is learning to think relationally. One solution for this couple would be to have a coffee pot on an automatic timer set for when he awakened. The fact that he needed the coffee was not the problem. The problem was their inability to come up with a solution that both could support. Being able to take responsibility to think in terms of how can we both be OK is the key to coming up with solutions when conflicts arise.

Since relationships are made up of two unique individuals it is only natural that there will be disagreements. Many conflicts can be settled easily if each person keeps in mind that the important thing is to find a solution that is good for the the welfare of the relationship. By thinking of the impact on the relationship the negotiations become more than what each individual wants. It is the well being of the relationship that has to be protected.

Here are several tips for handling conflict.

Tip #1. Handle Conflict in the Present

When you face difficult situations or disagreements with your partner deal with the issues in the present moment. The past is the past and the future has not yet begun. A disagreement that can be handled easily in the present becomes huge if it is looked at from a past perspective. When you bring in past stuff it will complicate communication and make it harder to find a solution. For instance Molly and Frank had to make a decision re: going on vacation. Molly felt overwhelmed because in the past she felt much of the planning and getting ready fell on her shoulders. Frank was uptight because he feared that Molly would not want to go anywhere. Once they forced themselves back into the present and let go of past frustrations they came up with a good solution where each felt heard by the other.

Tip #2 Do Say You Are Sorry

When people are frustrated and feel stuck in resolving a matter it is easy to lash out at the other. No doubt everyone of us has at times said things that were hurtful to the other. Take responsibility for sorting out when you know you went overboard in your outburst and apologize to your partner. Being able to say I am sorry shows that you are willing to take responsibility for your words and actions.

Tip #3 Do Not Go To Bed Angry

This is very useful folk wisdom. There is a real kernel of truth to this statement. It forces the couple to come to a resolution today and not carry it over into the next day. It does not mean that the whole matter is completely resolved but rather that a solution was arrived at that allows both people to be calm enough to be able to go to sleep.